I attended Southern Connecticut State University for my undergraduate degree. Originally, I planned on attending Johnson & Wales University in Rhode Island. At the time, my best friend (my sons godmother) was a star basketball player in our high school and D-1 schools nationwide were recruiting her to play. Even our very own UCONN tried recruiting her. She allowed me to pick the team that she would spend her college career at, and I picked Providence College because it was close to J&W. The plan would have worked, except for the fact that my mom tried to sabotage my college career before it even started. She wouldn’t give me information for my FAFSA application, she didn’t want to help with or be supportive of the process. All she did was take me to Johnson and Wales to see the campus and to participate in a tour; only to tell me that it was not going to happen. And, as devastated that I was I figured it out for myself and I went to SCSU. There was no way in fuck that I was going to stay with her if I could help it; and I could help it.
College was pretty dope even though I didn’t leave the state. I had to work full time though, and that bit the big one sometimes. In my life, I have always had to be more responsible than I wanted to be or should have had to have been for my age. I was a nurses aide throughout college; I’d acquired the license when I was in high school and made a living for many years with it. Working so much created space between my friends and I. Looking back, I remember not being around for many events or room parties because I was at work. Not to say that I was never around; it’s just to say that I missed out on some of the many events that make up the intricacies of the memories in a friendship relationship. Very often back then I remember feeling misunderstood by my friends; for different reasons than those of the present day, I guess.
I had one real boyfriend in college (followed by aforementioned casualties), since I am committed to not mentioning any names of the men I have been with with consent; I will give them a name of something inanimate like a food or a color. For this entry, we’ll call my only college boyfriend Yellow. I met Yellow prior to school actually starting during the summer. During the summer prior to my freshman year in college two of my friends attended a Summer Enrichment Opportunity Program. While visiting my friends, I met Yellow. This made for an easy transition once school started.
Yellow and I were together off and on for just about three years. Because of our age, our relationship was eventful and tumultuous. Yellow is a man that I had primitive sexual experiences with. I achieved my first orgasm with Yellow. He gave great guidance on how to please him orally (which worked for the future suitors or conquests if you will), and we spent an unreasonable amount of time together.
The thing about Yellow is that he was not from the New Haven area. He was from Hartford, which for some reason was fascinating to me. Maybe it was because at the time I hadn’t ever been to that part of the state, but it was just cool to me. Yellow was very, very funny! He could make anybody laugh and til this day I can still look back and laugh at something hilariously stupid that he did or said.
We were toxic; Yellow and I. Two of his ex-girlfriends attended SCSU at the time. I always thought that that was a crazy happenstance. Like, not just one ex but two left Hartford and went to the same undergrad as him. I would not have had to think about it so hard if it was not for the fact that I was insecure about their mere presence on campus; never mind the historical presence that they represented in Yellows life at the time. Both of the exes knew who I was but it was the most recent ex that came for me. She came for me a couple of times before I actually responded. I am not a fighter; never have been. In fact, I hate physical confrontations just for the fact that you never know how it could end. Anyway, one day on Connecticut Hall she and I had a fight. I had on a dress because earlier that day I’d done a presentation in class, but I fought that girl like I had on some sweat pants and New Balances. I was so mad. And, that is just one way that our coalition was toxic. I won’t even burn your ears (well, eyes) telling you more. Just know that he and I physically fought. He teased me about my weight. He hit me. He stole from me. He choked me. He pulled my hair. I cheated on him once. We were toxic and when it ended, it was over.