The last time that I wrote anything my focus was diverted by my present truth; which distracted me from relaying some more of the truths from my past. In my daily conversations I have a tendency to get sidetracked; isn’t it obvious in my written work?
Anyway, high school was pretty much a breeze scholastically and socially. I was a part of many school clubs, I was popular and at one point I was the president of my class (Junior year). My friends too were popular. We all made superlatives in our yearbook senior year. And, I didn’t have any boyfriends throughout high school. For the most part, I didn’t really want one. Sometimes I do remember being envious of my friends that had boyfriends or whatever; but mostly, I was okay. When I was a sophomore I remember being fondled by a man whose name I never knew. And by my junior year in high school I “lost” my virginity to a guy who was on the football team. He was handsome and he lived in the same projects as I did so we seen each other daily. What I remember most about him was that he didn’t care to have much to do with me after we had sex. He wasn’t outright and blatantly disrespectful with it, but he certainly kept it moving.
That hurt my feelings, but I kept it together like I always do (you see during these times I hadn’t recognized my emotional instability; as the instability was still in its development stage). I further learned what men wanted from me; for the most part. Actually, I can say right now that I have met only a few men who have not wanted to have sex with me. It is true, and it sounds better than saying that most of the men that I have met want to have sex with me; which is also true. And once I learned that me and my junior year sex partner were never to be, I truly learned about sex and all its casualties.
Eventually it was time to graduate high school. At the time I didn’t want my mother to attend my graduation; as she had not atoned for being absent from my 8th grade graduation. My aunt pretty much refused to allow me to not invite my mom; and so I had to give her a ticket. And, so she came. However, I was determined to not invite her to my college undergraduate graduation.
While high school was seemingly normal and fun; life at home was with my mom, and that shit sucked. I have said it before, and I will say it again- miserable parents make can make their kids miserable because misery loves company. It is a fact! My mom used to threaten my sister and I by saying that she was going to drive herself off of a cliff. She used to say that shit all the time; so much so that I didn’t realize that it was not a normal thing to have said to me until recently, did I mention that I am almost 40? I told you that she was beautiful, so she definitely had boyfriends. She mostly put men in front of her kids. Scratch that! She always put men in front of us kids.
Gratefully, none of her boyfriends ever assaulted me sexually; she payed not much attention and sometimes left us with them so we certainly were vulnerable but nothing inappropriate ever happened. One time she allowed her boyfriend to spank my baby brother. I would never let that shit happen to my child. Especially since my brothers dad was very active in his life; it shows the extent of control that my mother was willing to give some man over her kids just to keep his ass around. Fuck that. Part of the reason why I am single now is because I will not have a man coming in my house thinking that I am looking for a replacement dad for my son. I’ll never give anyone permission to hit my child; especially not no man that I am fuckin’. Maybe I’ll give a real relationship a shot when he leaves for college in a few years but until then…