Actions that Serve Me Positively

Growing up, I thought for sure that high school would be like a combination between episodes of Beverly Hills 90201 and Saved By the Bell; after all, West Haven is a town with a beach. Once I actually started high school I desperately wanted everyday to be like an episode of My So Called Life mixed with scenes from Clueless. Looking back I can see how delusional that I was. For the most part, high school was a place where I was able to continue my new start as a new virgin. In fact, to this day I have not ever told my friends the truth of my premature sexual experiences in middle school, post molestation. According to my friends, I lost my virginity in my junior year in high school; we’ll just keep the truth between us.

I could never tell my friends the truth anyway; not now, and certainly not all five of them (yes, I pretty much only have five friends/solid friends). And, I couldn’t tell them in high school either; I am positive that they would not have understood. I tend to be a person who is straight to the point, very candid and sometimes shocking. So, I am scared that my friends would not understand how such things could happen to me. I am scared that they would feel like I allowed those things to happen to me. Mostly, I am scared of not having answers to their question and patience with their assumptions. So, I just assume that it would be easier if I don’t engage at all. Also, the degrees of closeness between me and some of them has changed; and I don’t necessarily want them within proximity of my truth. In the past I have been candid only to be judged and while the judgment of another has never stopped me from expressing my truth, it still doesn’t feel good and I am in a stage now in life where I am only trying to participate in actions that serve me positively.

Participate in actions that serve me positively…okay, here we go. I said from the beginning that sometimes these entries would be out of order and seem to not follow a straight format (in so many words), well as I honor being the teller of my truth in its rawest form it is only right that I truly unpack what the fuck participating in actions that serve me positively actually looks like; and if my actions are even positive at all. Currently I am actively engaging in an extramarital affair. The thing about it is that I am not at liberty to explain myself; right because an explanation is not needed. We all know what an affair is and we all know what a mistress is, and well; I am.

The fact is that I enjoy being with him and he and I have known each other for so many years outside of sex. We have a twelve year friendship that has developed into something that is stupid and since he went and got married; it went from being stupid to extramarital. Believe it or not I went quite a few years without having any sexual contact with him; only verbal, friendly contact. But, the heart and the body wants what it wants. He and I are soulmates. During those years that we only were friends, we both participated in relationships. I am faithful in relationships; he however, when in a relationship still he is drawn to me. And, I do mean drawn to me. Like, we don’t even have to have sex; he is just content being in my presence and spending time with me, excellent sex is just a super bonus.

I won’t go into details about our sex; eventually I will. But, he and I are beyond sexually compatible. We have great sex and it is my thought that he is not honest with his wife about what he truly desires in the bedroom (along with a menagerie of other indiscretions, I’m sure) which is a micro-example of their communication(or lack thereof) on the most intimate level. Like, if you can’t tell the woman that you’ve chosen to marry what you enjoy sexually; then who can you tell? And furthermore, what the fuck have you been doing up to this point? And, why are you with someone who you can’t speak to about such important, specific topics? I guess that is not my business, right? I guess that is for those attending that institution.

I love him so much; deeply. But, if he ever decided to give us a shot, I would never take him seriously. What a fucked up dichotomy. I don’t want anybody else. I spent years not being with him, ignoring him and trying to get him out of my mind and heart only to end up here-still doing the same shit; talking about I’ve grown. But, I have grown. I am stronger than I used to be, I’ve got more foresight more discernment. It’s crazy how I’m explaining myself, right? I understand that as the reader you probably have lost respect for me being so cavalier about my actions; but I don’t care. There is a lot of shit that got me where I am at. I am emotionally unstable and he loves me regardless of my instability.

The fact is that I don’t know if I am suitable for a traditional relationship. I am not a traditional girl, with traditional experiences or exposure. First of all, I’m honest and that tends to throw men off; and then I am honest about my adult sexual experiences, which tends to be intimidating. I am very often misunderstood, and I rarely care to offer clarity. And, finally, I have been single so fuckin long that I don’t really know what I would do with a real boyfriend; I’m jaded, this much I know. And, let’s not forget the emotional instability; making for the perfect mix of fuckery. And, once again, I digress.

Are my actions serving me positively? No. I am in love with someone who clearly chose to marry someone else; I’m not the chosen one and if I didn’t know, now I do! Also, I try to act like I don’t want him; but I do. That’s why I am with him, shit. No future in frontin’. This post literally exhausted me. I am exhausted.

Published by Indigosblue

This blog will be a vessel of honesty and vulnerability. Writing is a release that has kept me whole and sane for a lifetime but a newness starts today. What is a true story if it isn't told? No longer will I just hold on to my story because it's too much to handle on my own. Every truth is relative to the teller. Indigos blue sunshine are my truths. 😢💙🦋🌏🌤

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